Falling in Love with an Illusion

                                                                    

Most of us find ourselves in rocky relationships because we fell in love with the potential of our partners, instead of who they really are.  We fell for what he/she could become and not what he/she is.  There is nothing wrong with believing in someone and being able to see the potential in your partner.  Society has made is to believe that a good partner is one who sees the potential in you, even if you don’t see it within yourself.  We have come to believe that it is the moral support given to your partner to help them make it through their goals, is what makes a good partner.  This character trait is normally refer to as, “being there for me.” But, in all actuality, we are not falling or shouldn’t be falling for the person your partner will become when the goal is accomplish but rather, you are falling for the strength and courage expressed while trying to accomplish their goals.  You should fall for the now; you should fall for the state that your partner is in when you make the decision to love them.

For example, a woman falls in love with a struggling artist who has the talent and potential of making it big someday.  Even though, she has faith in his abilities and promises, she is in love with who he is right there and then.  If he becomes a great musician someday, that is just an icing on the cake to her but if not, she still loves him and is happy with who he is now.  The only way a relationship will ever be enjoyable, is if the love of who a person is right here, right now, out weights who they could become.  The only way a relationship will work out long term, is if the person you have fallen in love with, if you were to freeze them in time and nothing ever change about them, you will still love them as they are, instead of who they told you the could be or who you think they could be or would be. 

The problem is, we start of our relationships, placing our hopes on the future.  We place our hopes on the potential of someone, instead of the actuality, believing in the promise of a happy future, which makes our current reality easy to live with.  But, sooner or later, we all own up to where we are.  And, we come to realize that we are stuck with the person we don’t want to be with, we are stuck with the person who we thought we wanted to be with, based on their potential.  In other words, our illusion is shatter.

We like to get in relationships or stay in relationships with people, because of the potential that one day, they might stop beating us.   We like to get into relationships or stay in relationships, because of the potential that one day, they might stop using drugs, or stop cheating or one day, they might be happy. But, we haven’t own up to the fact that, we don’t want to be in relationship right now with a person who has those problems.  The only reason we are getting into this relationship or staying into it, is because of the promise that this person could be different, because of the promise that their problem could be solve one day. We are in love with an illusion, not with what is. 

For those of us who have difficulties getting into relationships for what is, those of us who gets into relationships base upon its potential, most of us think it is either inappropriate to want what we really want or we don’t deserve what we want.  The person you should want to be with, is the person who is already what you want before you came into their lives. 

Take a good look at your partner, if you froze them in time or space, and for the rest of your relationship, they were exactly the same temperament, looks and had the same amount of money, would you want to be with them or would you not want to be with them?  If not, you cannot be in a relationship with that person and be happy long term and you cannot get them to be responsible for your happiness by trying to change them into what you want them to be.

Now, take a good look at yourself.  If you were to freeze yourself in time and to be right where you are for the rest of your life, with exactly these looks, with exactly these talents, job, with this amount of money, would you still love yourself?  If not, we have to learn how to love ourselves, and we run the very risks of selling ourselves to people on rainbows, instead of presenting ourselves for who we are. 

Falling in love with what is, not what could be, doesn’t make you a person of little faith.  You can still have faith in someone, just don’t base your decision to be in a relationship with someone out of faith, because if you do, you are not really loving them, you loving only what they could be.  Don’t expect yourself to have an enjoyable relationship with anyone if you don’t like who they are right now.  You have fallen in love with an illusion.  You have fallen in love with something that does not exist.  Eventually, you will come face to face with reality, and all you will see in your partner is the lack of who you want them to be. 

Don’t fall in love with an illusion, fall in love with the now, fall in love with who he/she is now and not what they could become.  Let your partner goals and aspirations be the icing on the cake, but with or without it, you should be able to love them for who they are now. 

Good luck.